Polls and Statistics, statistics and polls, I just can’t take it anymore! If I get one more phone call from someone “conducting a political survey” I think I am going to be sick. The bias intertwined within the questions themselves is enough to make any sane person wince, but the questions themselves seem to be even more self-fulfilling then ever. Talk about a lack of choice, I’m waiting for a call asking me whether I prefer toast, toast or toast from the american bakers council. Tada! 87% of people questioned prefer toast! (The remaining 13% couldn’t take it anymore and simply screamed uncontrollably into the phone)

I’m afraid that the art of deception has advanced to the point that it is no longer possbile to obtain any type of accurate research data from political polling to medical testing and scientific discovery. Political polsters have long attempted to sway public opinion by using subtle cues and hints in the manner and even the order in which they ask questions. Marketing data generated back in the seventies had determined that when given the choice of two nearly identical options a wide majority of those surveyed selected the last option given. Since that time polling companies have taken great care to order not only their ABC answers to the questions, but the questions themselves in order to best obtain the desired answer.

Years ago I had read an article on marketing tactics which discussed a challenge a business school teacher had given to his students. The students were broken into two teams and each team had to ask 100 people passing by a series of questions. The questions were all the same with one team hoping to get 100% “A” responces and the other team hoping for 100% “B” responces. The students could change only the order of the answers and their vocal inflections. The students worked in teams of two, one the poll taker and the other student from the opposing team ensuring that there was no cheating. The team with the highest percentage of respondents who agreed with them would win.

While one team did win this contest, the raw results were the most interesting. Team “A” had a 72% positive rating and team “B” had a 68% positive rating. (May not be the exact numbers, but hey! it was a long time ago I read it) Both teams had the ability to claim that they had “won” in their individual testing, team “A” had simply “won” by a larger margin. Had these been individually cereated research studies team “B” would certainly be touting the fact that 68% of all those questioned preferred their product over the other brand.

Scientific studies are only slightly more accurate, especially when dealing with the release of new medical technology and drugs. The pressure to release these products can be measured in millions of dollars of potential sales per day. It should surprise no one that perfect candidate for a weight loss drug is a 400 pound man that is willing to test a new drug and make serious lifestyle changes at the same time. The financial compensations paid to the patients further incent them to “be good” for fear of being dropped from the program. Is anyone really surprise when the drug fails to produce the same stunning results in the general public?

So when confronted with another telephone survey I find myself left with just one option, making a sport of the survey process. If it happens to be a “Press 1 for yes, 2 for no” survey I simply press 3 repeatedly for twenty seconds or so and then hang up. It probably shows up as a wrong answer rather than performing any sinister action, like resetting the whole system, but I feel better about it. When it’s a live person however, let the games begin! “Do I like chocolate or vanilla? Neither, I prefer peanut butter. I love peanut butter, don’t you? Some people are allergic to peanut butter, how sad is that! They can’t enjoy the taste of peanut butter. I guess they would have to settle to vanilla or chocalate, but not me, no way. For me it’s definitily peanut butter. How about you, do you like peanut butter?” You get the idea.

Yesterday I almost felt sorry for the guy who called me. He wanted a yes/no answer on whether I supported a raise in the minimum wage. Instead he got a 15 minute dissertation on how the Federal Reserve Banking System works and why we need to repeal the Federal Reserve Act because it was the root problem. Poor guy is probably on the phone again today, except this time he’s likely to be looking for a new job bcause I think I scared him away from that last one.

Remeber, when the numbers don’t add up, they probably weren’t designed to. In the words of some immortal comic (who’s name I’ve long ago forgotten;-), 72% of all statistics are made up on the spot and the other 35% of them are wrong.